Where do you draw the line?

We've all seen it.

Parents at dinner not looking at each other but catering the entire meal to the whim of their child. The baby wearing the bib that declares "I'm the boss," and you can tell it's not too far from the truth. The 11th place trophies. The toddlers playing games on their parents iPhones to prevent mealtime meltdowns.

The fact is we've become a culture of overindulgence without even realizing it. In a sincere effort to shower our children with love and admiration we've encouraged behavior that has snowballed into an epidemic of narcissism.

I say "we" because, try as I might, I know that I too fall victim to this behavior from time to time.

So many parents try to justify their behavior by saying things like: "Well, we give them all trophies because we want them to feel special," or "It's impossible to have a peaceful meal if we don't let her play with the iPhone," or "I really want my child to like me."

You know the saying "Give me a soap box and I'll stand on it?" Well I just happen to have one handy...this blog. Here I go.

"Well, we give them all trophies because we want them to feel special" - The effort made to make children "feel special" leads to nothing more than over-inflated egos and sense of entitlement. Am I saying that we need to tell kids "Hey, you really stink at drawing?" No. But we also don't need to tell a 12 year old they're the next Van Gogh when they can't say inside the lines of their coloring book. (Because this hypothetical 12 year old has a coloring book. ha!) I believe in encouraging children to work hard, praising them for what they accomplish, and helping them to find things they can improve on. Competition is healthy and without it we would all settle for the 11th place trophy. What would be left to work towards?

"It's impossible to have a peaceful meal if we don't let her play with the iPhone" - So many parents give up or give in because...it's easy. It's hard to listen to a whiny kid, especially in public. It's embarrassing to feel like people could be staring and judging your ability to parent based on the behavior of your child. So, it's easier to pull up some kid friendly iPhone app and hand it over to the antsy toddler. In the last week I have seen this happen at least a dozen times (oh yes, I started counting!) But all we are doing is robbing our children of a lesson in patience. Mealtimes are family time...the entire family. Children have to learn how to sit politely at some point, you might as well start young.

"I want my kids to like me." - Of course you do! But, that's not always going to be the reality. Nor should it be. My two year old recently told me after I told her we do not watch tv everyday, "Mommy, you're not my friend." To which I responded, "Honey, I didn't give birth to you because I needed a friend." ...She didn't get it, but it was true nonetheless.

And one thing I am CONSTANTLY the culprit of - ending a request to my kids in a question. Ex. "We're going upstairs to put our pj's on now, okay?" "Let's get in the car, alright?" Arghh! Why do I make it sound like I am asking their permission. Aren't I the parent? I realized this after reading a fabulous book last fall, "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement" by Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell. I have made a concerted effort to be very conscious of it since then.

Now...let me state. I am not saying to run your house with an iron fist, or exist as a dictator over your poor kiddos. Children need to feel that their thoughts are valued and their opinion respected. Giving them choices when available helps them practice independent thinking and nurtures their self esteem. Allowing a child to make a choice about their wardrobe is the perfect example that should be adapted according to their age. Ex. I give my two year old two choices every morning, sometimes three if I have nowhere to go. "Do you want to wear your pink shoes or your tennis shoes?" I never ask "What do you want to wear?" My child would undoubtedly choose her tutu and a bikini top or some other ghastly fashion faux pas! Now when she's a little older I expect that I'll be able to say, "It's cold outside today. What long sleeved shirt do you want to wear?"

Kids need some freedom within limits and it's up to the parents to set those limits. What a huge responsibility to know that decisions you make day in and day out affect a life other than your own! To sum it all up: Praise your kids wisely, indulge with caution, state the facts, offer choices when appropriate, and LOVE always!

Now it's time to self-evaluate...where do you draw the line?